s0me0ne pls tell me wats r0ng...

People can all say tat i am one of the few wit the most happiest lifes....
sigh....but its all not true...
i dun even rmb wen was the last time i was truly really happy...
but its not as if i dun have everything in life...
i do...
yet i dun noe how to be happy...
i dunno why i cant enjoy life the way i used to...
i feel like crying all the time...
guru thinks tat he is the reason why i cry all the time...
but tats seriously not true...
if i really cry...
its cos its my greatest weakness...
hapi..sad..angry...hurt...
for every little ting i cry...
cos wen i cry...
i really do feel much beta...

but yea...last nite things really wen a bit over...
i still cant believe wat happened...
i was toking to guru for a while...den we stopped toking...
he kinda hung up...
den i receive a msg...asking whether i still love him...
i wen to the kitchen and called him...
he started to say tat we were not toking properly anymore...
i am foreva keeping quiet...
i asked him if he wanted a break n he exploded...
i really din noe wat to say...
i jus kept quiet listening to him...
i dun rmb anything tat he said...
except for one thing...
i can rmb him saying the word die...
from den onwards...i wasnt paying attention to anything he said...
i told him to go n sleep hoping tat he wun call back...
after putting down the fone...
without me even realising anything...
i started to take panadol...
i still dunno why i did dat...
cos i wanted to sleep...o cos i tot of dying...
frankly yea...
i've onli lived a life of 17 yrs...
but i'm tired of life...
i also dunno why....
i was praying to god telling him to take me away...
but yea...he neva did...

while i was taking the panadol guru called...
n my sis complained to him...
after a while...wen i wen to the fone...i rmb guru asking me if i wanted a break...
i onli said over my dead body...
after tat i remember saying out loud...I HATE YOU....
i really din noe why...
but i laughed for it....
seriously...after tat...guru said tat he wun be toking to me for ten days...n hung up...
i cudnt imagine anything...
10 days...?
not for me...
he sen me a msg telling me tat it really hurts him...
n dat i cud happily live witout him for 10 days...
i cudnt take it...
after tat i jus called him up...n broke down...
but i dun rmb wat i spoke to him...
i was feeling sleepy...
i really cant bring myself to blame guru at all...
i noe its me...
he told me last nite not to be soft...
why wasnt i fighting back...?
i dunno....
i feel lost...
no one can help me except me....
but i'm choosing to rot instead....
but like wat pras said...yea...
i'm jus not hurting myself...
i'm hurting everyone ard me...
can i jus vanish into the air...
i dun wan ppl to noe tat i even exist...
i dun wan anyone to even care whether i live o die....
i dun wan to hurt anyone anymore...
esp guru...
he really doesnt deserve all this....

i've sworn upon guru tat i wun eva take panadol to sleep anymore...
n i noe i wun...

anyways...
i was chatting wit jivi jus now...
i really cant believe it...
she was kinda mad at me wen she found out wat i did y'dae...
i'm sry gal...
it wun happen again...
n seriously gal...
i'm lucky to have a fren like you....
thanks once again...

i'm seriously missing nabs lots...
if onli she was here wit me...sigh..
gtg...